We're All Humans, Aren't We?

One thing you need to know about me is that I’m always thinking,
analyzing, observing, and thinking some more. Some times I overthink.
Other times I underthink (especially when I’ve just said something
really dumb, as my girlfriend can tell you). I’ve just recently arrived
at a conclusion recently and please allow me to share it with you.

Ok, you ready? Here it is: Most of the difficulty in life stems from the unwillingness of people to accept who they really are.
Yes, like many things in life, there are exceptions, such as external
influences like a fire that just swallowed your house or you got laid
off because your company just got taken over by a larger corporation.
But what I mean is that a lot of the struggles, a lot of the
frustration, a lot of the anxiety that people experience can be traced
to not being willing to accept who they are.

For example, Satan. He was too proud and was not willing to accept the
fact that he wasn’t God. That he was an angel, one of many who were
made specifically to serve God. He couldn’t accept who he was, tried to
lead a revolt, and that got him kicked out of Heaven and because of
that, eventually he will be cast into Hell for eternity.

Another example: Adam and Eve. Satan was able to convince them to eat
the apple from the Tree of Knowledge because they were not willing to
accept that they were human and not meant for these things. If Eve had
said to the snake, “I cannot eat from that tree because God said so and
because I know and accept that I am not God nor am I meant to be God. I
am a human and I accept that is what I am called to do.”

Let’s move this a bit out of the theological realm and into our world.
Husbands leave their wives and families because they refuse to accept
the fact that that they’re not single bachelors anymore, but are
husbands and fathers with duties and obligations. Addicts get into
financial, emotional, and physical spirals that sometimes end in prison
time or worse, death because they will not accept the fact that they’re
addicted to and abusing their drug. College students struggle in their
classes and major because they refuse to see and accept the fact that
they may not be in the right major/career for their life.

I could go on, but I think these examples are good enough to summarize
what I’m aiming at here. Lately, I’ve seen and struggled through some
difficulty in my life because there have been some aspects of myself
that I’ve refused to accept. First, that I’m deaf.

“What is he talking about? He’s been deaf for 24 years!”

Yes, and it’s something I struggled with for a long time. Not being
able to fully listen and saturate myself in music was always a huge
disappointment for me. Also, not to mention not being able to talk to
friends or family over the phone, even just for a quick conversation. I
was always very self-conscious about it, even refusing to sign in
public because it would draw attention. But I’m changing that about
myself, accepting the fact that I’m deaf has been a huge blessing on my
life, leading it into places I would not have gone and people I would
not have met if I had been born otherwise. You can see me in the
audience signing some songs at P&W and I have been teaching Amanda,
and whoever else wants to know, sign language. I am starting to signing
a bit more more as I speak.

As I’m mellowing out and being less self-conscious about being deaf,
this is leading me into the second aspect I have refused to accept: I
was in the wrong job. The pay and health insurance benefits was
excellent; I was working for people I already knew, so no weird
getting-to-know-you awkwardness; and the schedule was totally flexible.
The job was great for a year, but then I started to notice that I was
slacking off, dropping a couple of projects, doing some things at the
last minute. I showed up late to work sometimes. (How do you show up
late when you don’t need to be there til 10 a.m.?) I got frustrated on
having to “work” on Sundays when all I wanted to do was go to church.

My heart was not in it anymore, especially after I returned from
Jamaica (read January’s posts to find out what I was doing there). In
April, my boss noticed and became concerned and pulled me aside and
asked me to pray about continuing to work at Calvary or I would have to
find another job. I prayed about it and realized that while this job
was “cushy” and I could definitely keep on working here indefinitely if
I applied myself, I didn’t want to.

I really felt called to teaching in the realm of deaf education
(because I started to accept my deafness and felt it could be useful
and very advantageous) and started putting some feelers out. My
girlfriend and friends thought it was a fantastic idea. I met with a
professor at Trinity who knows the education field very well and she
thought it was fantastic as well. I was tired of working at my home
church where I no longer felt in the worship mood on Sundays or had
families and friends who were part of my professional career and I
never felt comfortable with those two worlds meshing. I’m the type of
guy that needs structure and discipline otherwise I’ll never get
anything done. I never got that from working where I worked.

In May, my boss noticed there was not much improvement and we had our
final conversation where he asked to let me go and that ended with me
resigning from the job. In driving to work today, I realized that ever
since I resigned and word has been getting out about me leaving, I’ve
been happier and more free. I’m waking up earlier and getting more
stuff done in the day. I became aware that I’ve started to stick to a
schedule. People have been saying, “Yeah, I really don’t see you in an
office job.”

Could I have done this smarter or in a different way that would have
lessened the negative impact of leaving a job on my life? Oh,
absolutely. But it is what it is right now and for the first time in a
long time, I’m excited about the possibilities. (Not about being broke
again, though…) I honestly was afraid to stand up and say, “I’m going
to let this go.” I know my low performance was my passive-aggressive
way of saying, “I don’t like this job anymore and I don’t want to work
here any more.” Childish and immature, yes, but I’m done here at
Calvary and I feel good about accepting that.

The third and last thing I have been refusing to accept about myself is
that I’m my father’s son. This part is the most difficult one I will
have to write about.

My dad… is not the greatest man in the world. He won’t win any Father
of the Year awards. All children, whether they want to admit it or not,
take something from their parents. Some more than others. Some more
from a specific parent than the other. He cheated and lied to a lot of
people, but especially to his family. I just found out that my best
friend’s mother was the one who spotted him in a department store with
another woman before any of this stuff went down. My dad’s a compulsive
liar, always lying and manipulating people to try to present himself in
the best light possible. Never really cared for expanding his mind with
art or good literature. He hated going to church. He read the Bible at
the dinner table but I never saw him do devotions or really struggle to
try to internalize Christianity in his life. He was a financial idiot.
He had anger management problems. Good guy, right? Someone you want to
model yourself after…

Although my mom refuses to admit it, he changed her perspective of me
because she sees some similar qualities in me. I used to be really
horrible with money, but I taught myself to balance my checkbook and to
be careful not to overspend. There have been times when I’ve lied to my
mom and to others because I didn’t want them to know about something.
It’s hard to swallow the fact that I might share some traits with my
dad especially since the way he hurt me and our family tremendously.
Honestly, it has frightened me and given me pause occasionally.

But Amanda pointed out a few things yesterday. 1) I may share some of my dad’s traits, personality, and appearance, but I’m not him.
I’m a different person. 2) My heart is in a completely different place.
I do not do things just for prestige or personal gain, damn anyone who
gets in my way. 3) Because of how he lived his life, he is an example
of how to not live my life.

I know I’m more self-aware of who I am than my dad ever was or is. My
intentions, while sometimes misguided, are honorable and
well-intentioned. I am really hungry to learn and grow in God. I don’t
care about money or cars or big, sterile houses or fame. I’m also
hungry to see art, movies, literature, photography, ballets, operas,
symphonies, and culture. I am very laid back and very slow to anger and frustration. I love people and listening to them and
helping them out, always leaving my needs for last. My ultimate goal is
to have made a positive impact with my life around the people I know
and love and maybe a little more outside of that circle.

So, I’m my father’s son. And deaf. And going to become a teacher.

I’m Matt. Nice to meet you.