Why I Write
Hello. I’m back. No, I haven’t been involved in a tragic car accident with a cow and carted away to the hospital. I’m not dead either. I’m very much alive, you see. It’s been an odd few days since I last posted on my little blog. For one, I turned 26. It was an unremarkable day to commemorate my arrival on this little planet 26 years ago. No parades or fireworks or anything of that sort. Although, I did receive The Godfather trilogy on DVD from my beautiful sweetheart. (I’m not saying she’s beautiful because she and I are going to be married; I say it because she really is. If you’ve never met her, you should see for yourself sometime.) And money, of course. I’ve always thought it a little odd to get money for your birthday. It is as if people are saying, “Here, congratulations on making it alive through another year. Here’s your reward.” So, free DVDs and money. Not bad for doing nothing but hanging onto this terrestrial sphere for yet another year.
I also got a new job. Well, sort of. It would be more accurate to say I got my job back. Yes, I am once again employed by Calvary Reformed Church of Orland Park in the same capacity I was when I left. I am going to design posters and do brochures and eat free food once again. For the past two weeks, I’ve been there in a part-time capacity, doing whatever odd jobs were available. Starting tomorrow, I’m there again full time, 40-hours. This is going to be for four months because the person who I am taking over for is going away on maternity leave to have babies. Well, one baby, to be precise. I guess that is what people do on maternity leaves.
In related news, it is so nice to feel like a productive, contributing member of society again, instead of a human-sized drain, taking and taking and taking and giving nothing. Being employed does wonders for ones’ self-esteem. I am finally free of my bedroom which had mutated into a claustrophobic prison, the walls growing closer with every passing week. I no longer clutch my wallet in a death grip as if it contained top secret information that my government entrusted me with, information that would mean my death if it fell into the wrong hands. My automobile needs gasoline? Okay! My fiancee needs sustenance? Alright. I no longer fear the dollar. Which, I suppose, is a good thing.
I am still madly, insanely in love with my fiancee, Amanda. She buys me candy and beanie baby monkeys named Swinger. Those are not the only reasons why I love her, but it certainly helps. We are getting married in exactly 11 months and 13 days.
There were many times when I sat in front of the computer and opened up the window to blog on Xanga and nothing came. The cursor would blink on and off against a blank white screen, asking me impatiently if I was going to write or not. Some times I had ideas on what to write, other times I didn’t. The result was always the same: a closed window, not a single word typed. I don’t know if it was a writer’s block or something else. I just didn’t have the desire to write something meaningless like a brief essay on what I did over the weekend. For me, my writing has always been interwined with philosophy. Not the accepted academic study of philosophy where Aristotle and Socrates engage in spirited debates (and perhaps the occasional bar fight) with Nietzsche and Heidegger, but rather my own personal philosophy where I ask myself the big existential questions: Who am I? Where do I belong? What makes me tick? Why does it make me tick? What do I yearn for? Why do I yearn for it? Who am I compared to the world? And on and so forth. Whenever I’ve written something, it is usually in an attempt to answer some of those questions or at least fill in some portion of the answer.
There are a precious few artistic works that have inspired me, put me in a state of awe or ecstasy, or spurred me onward into a different direction. I’ve just recently discovered one. It’s a book called Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller. Even though I’m only in the second chapter, I’m in love with this novel. Jazz reads like a conversational memoir, as if Miller is sitting on a table next to you, drinking some beer, just chatting, pulling all these wonderful stories, questions, ideas out of his head and presenting them to you. He writes just like I want to write. His prose ambles along just like I want my prose to amble. He is funny, bittersweet, ironic, and smart, sometimes in the same sentence. I have no doubt that in writing this, Miller discovered quite a bit about himself and where he fits in with God, the world, and everyone else.
That is what I want to do for myself. I’ve always been a relatively open person, sharing most of my experiences with others, keeping only a few secrets to myself. People have remarked to me that I’ve helped them feel a bit less alone or a little bit less stupid or a little bit less foolish by sharing my mistakes, goofs, ideas, thoughts, and a little bit of the puzzle I’ve assembled for myself. I yearn for that epiphany when everything falls into place, like that satisfying feeling when you put that final piece of the puzzle in place. I realize that I will never have that feeling until my Father calls me home, but He has blessed me with glimpses here and there in addition with His blessings of wonderful people who’ve joined me on my journey. Some will leave earlier and go on their own way; others will stay with me for a long time. But either way, I hope by freely and openly sharing who we are with others we will discover a little bit more of ourselves.
Maybe that is why I write. I don’t write for you primarily; I write for me. Maybe that’s why during those times when I don’t write, whether it was during this past month or the dry period of the Year Without a Job, otherwise known as 2005-2006, I am afraid to discover more of what is hidden in me or Satan has discouraged me enough to prevent me from discovering more of myself. Satan does not want us to know ourselves because, as the Greeks realized a long time ago, the old adage “Know Thyself” leads to wisdom and power. I ask that God continue to bless my writings and that He blesses you in your journey, using whatever you use to learn about yourself, whether it is music, art, sports, literature, movies, friends, teachers, parents, or mentors. I’m going to close this with two pieces of writings I’ve recently discovered. The first is a poem by Alexander Pope. The second is a line from the Author’s Note that opens Blue Like Jazz.
Know Thyself
by Alexander Pope
| Know then thyself, presume not God to scan; |
| The proper study of mankind is Man. |
| Placed on this isthmus of a middle state, |
| A being darkly wise and rudely great: |
| With too much knowledge for the Sceptic side, |
| With too much weakness for the Stoic’s pride, |
| He hangs between; in doubt to act or rest, |
| In doubt to deem himself a God or Beast, |
| In doubt his mind or body to prefer; |
| Born but to die, and reasoning but to err; |
| Alike in ignorance, his reason such |
| Whether he thinks too little or too much: |
| Chaos of thought and passion, all confused; |
| Still by himself abused, or disabused; |
| Created half to rise and half to fall; |
| Great lord of all things, yet a prey to all; |
| Sole judge of truth, in endless error hurled: |
| The glory, jest, and riddle of the world! |
“Sometimes you have to watch someone love something before you can love it yourself. It is as if they are showing you the way.” —Donald Miller
MattTheTroll says:
yeah man, that book rocks.
congrats on the job, even if it is just for a few months.
glad the love is still going well.
i think youd be an amazing author.
peace.
WhiteLancer64 says:
for what it’s worth, i think you have a kickass prose style. it makes me think “gentleman” every time i read something you’ve written.
maybe i need to read Blue Like Jazz. i’m in a writing funk myself. haven’t written anything decent in a while… a long while.
Amanda1011 says:
I love you, baby.
grandma_b says:
Congratulations on the temporary job. grandpa_b and I have been praying for you.
I’m like you. I don’t like to write for the sake of writing, I need to have something of substance before it comes alive on “paper”.
Anonymous says:
If you like Blue Like Jazz, then you’ll love his other book Searching For God Knows What. I just finished that book and man, Don Miller is my literary hero. 😛 Thanx for your thoughts. I know how you feel to want to write but just can’t think of anything to write about. Have a great day my friend!! 😀
MattTheTroll says:
yeah, on the dan ryan
Hey_Granny says:
My family moved when my father got a parstoral position. I do not know if I had told you that. They are now in Menno SD. YAY!! So yeah. I will TTYL.
Renee
Thirty_Three_Times says:
Such a good poem! Yeah, it would probable be a demonic VW, and I can’t decide if that would be scary or funny or wicked awesome.
WhiteLancer64 says:
shut upppp i just like birthday recognition and it seems i’m always neglected if i don’t do anything…
sixfeetsmall7757 says:
Thanks for your prayers, Matt.. seriously! I definitely wouldn’t have made it here without you!
Oh yeah.. I think I told you, but I’m flying into Chicago on November 17th (late) and would love to do something Saturday/ Saturday afternoon! What do you & Amanda (and possibly a few other people) think about going downtown to see the Magnificent Mile Festival of Lights Parade/ and doing dinner somewhere? (on November 18th)
Let me know what your schedule is like… I’d love to see you! 🙂