In re-reading these LJ postings, it’s amazing how you can summarize an
entire year’s worth of experiences in just a few entries. I really
think everyone should start doing more blogging or journaling because
then they’ll be able to look in the past and see how the experiences
they had shaped them into the person they currently are. I think
Socrates put it perfectly when he wrote, “The unexamined life is not
worth living.” If we continually analyze and examine ourselves, we can
watch ourselves grow and ask the right questions, making sure we’re on
the right path towards redemption. We can’t sit idly by and let life
pass by without nary a thought. This is more dangerous than anything
because then we’ll wake up one day when time has gone by and find
ourselves in a place where we didn’t want to be. That’s scarier than
anything I can think of. Yes, even mutant muppet babies.
Well, now, let’s do some more catching up and go through the summer time. This will take us to the end of August.
blurgh…
[Jul. 14th, 2004 | 12:12 am]
So, two months later, I’m going to go away on vacation. A road trip, if you will.
No,
it will not be a constant state of debauchery. Rather, it will be a
time to reflect, consider my life, and do some sightseeing. I think it
will be fun.
If I can get my checkbook balanced, that is!
There is no peace of mind like a checkbook balanced.
Deborah Rusthoven 1982-2004
[Aug. 18th, 2004 | 05:35 pm]
I’m done fucking around.
Life is way too short and too unpredictable.
*sarcasm begins* Wow, what a total original statement! There’s no way it could be a cliche… *sarcasm ends*
But cliches are cliches because they’re ALWAYS TRUE. Yesterday,
someone that I wouldn’t hesitate to call a friend, even though we never
really hung out, died in a car accident yesterday morning. This threw
me for a loop because a) I knew Deb. I talked with her. I laughed with
her. It wasn’t some random name of a random person that died yesterday.
and b) She was only effin’ 21 years old. I’m 23, at last count. 24’s
looming largely since my birthday’s gettin’ close to being one month
away. and 3) How it happened was so quick. A simple left turn onto a
street, something that we do practically every day, and your life’s
over.
Well, yeah, yeah, I know it isn’t over. There’s the eternal life, being in heaven, blah, blah. I’m not speaking in terms of the metaphysical here. I’m speaking about our life here
and the people that you leave behind. Word about Deb’s death got around
like wildfire. I hope when I go, the news spreads that fast because it
shows that you made an impact on people’s lives without even being a
participant sometimes.
But in a very true sense, your life is over. The life you had here
on Earth is over. There’s no going back, not that anyone would choose
to. I can only hope that life in heaven is full of self-discovery and
exploration and Keanu Reeves whoa moments, not us sitting
around being self-aware and self-actualized. I think for a long time
not writing was my way of rebelling against that. I was too busy going
out and exploring and discovering rather than dissecting and picking
apart my life experiences as I’ve done ever since I was born. I’ve had
some pretty good experiences; I’ve had some pretty sucky ones, too. I
think that last sentence could sum up most of the human existence.
Where was I going with all this? Oh, yeah. Life’s short. And I
think why Deb’s sudden death impacted me more than I thought it would
is not because of her age or the fact that I knew her or even the
suddenness of her death. People have been dying in their prime, knowing
others who have died, and died suddenly and unexpectedly since the
beginning of time or since the first time the “Hey, wouldn’t it be cool
if we…” thought popped up in the minds of men everywhere. So what is
it then? Why was I depressed yesterday, footed an hundred dollar
alcohol tab, stayed up til 4 am, and why am I still melancholy today?
The answer is: because I’ve been fucking around too much in my life.
I have not taken anything seriously pretty much since I graduated from
high school. I’ve neglected myself and my writing. I’ve been slowly
entrapped into a quagmire of sin and self-loathing every time I commit
a sin.
I haven’t grown up. I’ve done a good job of fooling myself into
thinking I have, but the truth is something else. That needs to change.
Wherever you are Debbie, I hope you’re having fun. We’ll miss you here. See you soon.
Wake…
[Aug. 20th, 2004 | 01:55 am]
So, I’m drunk.
That’s a good thing. I went to Deb’s wake tonight and it was tough, but easier than I thought. “How do you mean?” you ask.
Simple. It didn’t look like Deb. It looked like someone else’s body.
Had it looked exactly like her, I would have broken down right then and
there. At Bud’s (after a side trip to the Blue Iguana) I was talking to
Kevin and he said the same thing. It just didn’t look like her. I guess
that’s what made it much more palatable.
But… yet, I could tell there was damage to her. They can coat it
with as many make-up as they can, they still can’t hide the fact that
she wasn’t obviously intact after the accident. That fact saddened me
more than seeing her. I guess there really is something that goes
missing after someone’s soul leaves their body. It’s their vitality.
The essence that “fills” in the body. It stretches the skin, uses the
bones, wrinkes the skin with so many smiles and frowns. Death removes
that and no matter how good the reconstructionists are, they can never
fully replace that for the open casket wakes. That is what I
think makes death more palatable to us. We cry and mourn, but we
realize that this really isn’t the person we knew while they were
alive. It enables us to move on, knowing they’re in a much better place
than we are.
I hate going to wakes because I never know what to say. Even now, if
I were to redo it, what would I say to her family that everyone hasn’t
said already? “She’s in a better place now.” “I’m so sorry for your
loss.” “How you doing?” “Yeah, it sucks.” I find a hug says much more
than I ever could.
That, and beer. I had so much fun talking with Paige and Joe Meyer
tonight, hanging out with Jill, too. It’s been ages since I’ve been
able to talk with people like them and just BS about life. I really
hope we get to do this again soon.
And then there’s the funeral tomorrow. Agh…
It’s 2 AM, do you know where your feelings are?
[Aug. 21st, 2004 | 01:58 am]
So today was a mishmash of feelings. I cannot possibly go into all
the details now seeing as it’s close to 2 AM and I’m so dead tired
right now (it’s been a long-ass week). Maybe tomorrow. But what I do
want to cover tonight is the range of feelings that I experienced today.
– Sorrow. The funeral for Deb was today and it was
so surreal, almost dreamlike. There were a lot of imagery that I
experienced that would fit in a movie. More on that on tomorrow’s post.
I sat next to people who were experiencing deep sorrow and I sat there,
trapped in my head, trying to figure out what was the appropriate
emotion to feel. Becky, Deb’s sister, was hyperventilating through the
entire process, especially when it came time to finally say good-bye at
the burial. It was a horrible thing to see.
– Desire. I saw someone that I’ve become attracted
to. I can’t say who it is because 1) I don’t want to put myself on the
spot and 2) who knows if anything would ever happen. In my life, it
will most likely not happen. This feeling caught me by surprise and
confused me to no end, especially when I was still trying to reconcile
my feelings for what happened to Deb. Don’t you just hate it when
feelings struggle and fight for recognition? It’s almost like children
vying for attention.
– Guilt. Life goes on and yet at that moment when
you’re at a funeral, you feel guilty for dwelling on your life, even
for a microsecond. This wasn’t too bad of a feeling to struggle with
because I realized life does go on for everyone else, whether we like it or not.
– Happiness. I was glad to be part of the enduring
human race, hanging out with people I hadn’t seen in years, meeting new
people, hanging out with those I had never hung out with in the past. I
really had fun tonight, going to Chili’s and then to the new Colosseum
bar in Mokena. No matter what happens in life, good or bad, we all have
the wonderful ability to share, bond and laugh with others. It really
is a feeling none like another.
Life is good, we toasted today. Yes, it is.
Alright I’m drunk again…
[Aug. 22nd, 2004 | 01:59 am]
Alright so tonight’s update won’t be as enlightening as last night’s was, but there are still some things I want to share.
One: I’ve received some personal convinctions from my friends (is
convinctions even a word?) that I’ve been a pussy in my life. I am
going to change that shortly. How? you ask. I will detail it as soon as
I sober up. Yes, I’m drunk for the third night in a row. Has to be a
personal record.
Two. I’m still confused about life. Kids, I don’t still have the answers, but stay tuned when I do.
Three, I’m going to bed. Goodnight.
Writing is the new heroin
[Aug. 24th, 2004 | 11:04 am]
It’s been two days since I’ve last posted in this and over those
past two days, I’ve kept thinking I should post in my journal. This is
great news for me because I’m finally starting to feel some sort of a
craving for writing again. I used to have the urge to write every day when
I was a kid. I was like an addict; I didn’t care how I got my fix, I
just wanted to have it. The fix’d be either a journal entry or a short
story or sections of novellas that I always kept dreaming up. Then one
day, I stopped. Now, I’m starting to get back, nibbling on writing
every now and then, trying to get started back up again.
It seems to be working. My mind’s finally starting to become
preoccupied, among other things, about writing. It’s a great feeling to
have back. Maybe now I can begin to write That Great Big Screenplay
I’ve always been dreaming about, now that I have flashes of
mise-en-scenes and camera angles along with dialogue. I’m beginning to
pull the disparate elements that I’ve caught floating around my head
together and hopefully it’ll coalesce into this one big idea.
[Insert your own transitional sentence here.]
God, am I glad I’m
single. Seems every couple I know is going through a fight now. Is it
the unusually cold summer we’ve been having? Is there something about
this time of the year where school starts that throws something in the
atmosphere and makes couples bicker like crazy. And of course, guess
who they always go to if they have problems with their significant
other? That’s right, kids, the single ones. Why?
Because they were smart enough not to be involved in the first place.
So, I’ve been drinking for five straight days. Here’s what I’ve discovered: Parliaments, despite themselves, really are good cigarettes. It is
possible to drink heavily, smoke heavily, stay up all night,
and participate in the general merriment or drunkenly complain about
the world even when you have an infected tonsil. You simply just have
to not be aware of the fact that you have an infected tonsil. Today’s
moment of irony: Now that I’ve been prescribed antibiotics from the
medical community, I feel even worse. Although, I may have to concede,
it may not be the medication, but rather the cumulative effects of the
past five days. … Nope, it’s definitely the medication.
Alright. That’s it for me. I’m taking my amoxocillin and
going back to bed and ponder how we can be attracted to people despite knowing they’re not the right one for us.
Feel the rush… or not
[Aug. 25th, 2004 | 11:56 pm]
I’m not rather in the mood to be all introspective and insightful.
I’ve had enough of that to last me for a week. Right now, I can’t find
words to say anything. Well, what I mean is I have nothing to say right
now. I’m jonesing to go to bed early (well, as early as midnight can
be…) and read a book before I go to bed.
Right now I’m reading The Case for a Creator, by Lee
Strobel. The book is about how the various fields of science are
pointing towards Intelligent Design as an origin, rather than a
naturalistic (read: evolution) origin (well, duh!). It’s a
fascinating read, but I feel it glosses over the scientific reasoning
and discoveries by using summaries rather than actually going in-depth.
I guess that’s what the footnotes and references are supposed to be
used for, but I feel like I bought the book: I ought to learn something
from it without going outside of it. I am, but not as much as I’d
anticipated. I’d recommend it to those less scientifically-inclined.
Before I leave tonight, I want to say I just got done watching Blue Crush. Y’know, that movie with the gorgeous, athletic, cute Kate Bosworth.
…And I liked it.
February 22, 2005
Xanga-Matt
Comments Off on
Matt
In re-reading these LJ postings, it’s amazing how you can summarize an
entire year’s worth of experiences in just a few entries. I really
think everyone should start doing more blogging or journaling because
then they’ll be able to look in the past and see how the experiences
they had shaped them into the person they currently are. I think
Socrates put it perfectly when he wrote, “The unexamined life is not
worth living.” If we continually analyze and examine ourselves, we can
watch ourselves grow and ask the right questions, making sure we’re on
the right path towards redemption. We can’t sit idly by and let life
pass by without nary a thought. This is more dangerous than anything
because then we’ll wake up one day when time has gone by and find
ourselves in a place where we didn’t want to be. That’s scarier than
anything I can think of. Yes, even mutant muppet babies.
Well, now, let’s do some more catching up and go through the summer time. This will take us to the end of August.
blurgh…
[Jul. 14th, 2004 | 12:12 am]
So, two months later, I’m going to go away on vacation. A road trip, if you will.
No,
it will not be a constant state of debauchery. Rather, it will be a
time to reflect, consider my life, and do some sightseeing. I think it
will be fun.
If I can get my checkbook balanced, that is!
There is no peace of mind like a checkbook balanced.
Deborah Rusthoven 1982-2004
[Aug. 18th, 2004 | 05:35 pm]
I’m done fucking around.
Life is way too short and too unpredictable.
*sarcasm begins* Wow, what a total original statement! There’s no way it could be a cliche… *sarcasm ends*
But cliches are cliches because they’re ALWAYS TRUE. Yesterday,
someone that I wouldn’t hesitate to call a friend, even though we never
really hung out, died in a car accident yesterday morning. This threw
me for a loop because a) I knew Deb. I talked with her. I laughed with
her. It wasn’t some random name of a random person that died yesterday.
and b) She was only effin’ 21 years old. I’m 23, at last count. 24’s
looming largely since my birthday’s gettin’ close to being one month
away. and 3) How it happened was so quick. A simple left turn onto a
street, something that we do practically every day, and your life’s
over.
Well, yeah, yeah, I know it isn’t over. There’s the eternal life, being in heaven, blah, blah. I’m not speaking in terms of the metaphysical here. I’m speaking about our life here
and the people that you leave behind. Word about Deb’s death got around
like wildfire. I hope when I go, the news spreads that fast because it
shows that you made an impact on people’s lives without even being a
participant sometimes.
But in a very true sense, your life is over. The life you had here
on Earth is over. There’s no going back, not that anyone would choose
to. I can only hope that life in heaven is full of self-discovery and
exploration and Keanu Reeves whoa moments, not us sitting
around being self-aware and self-actualized. I think for a long time
not writing was my way of rebelling against that. I was too busy going
out and exploring and discovering rather than dissecting and picking
apart my life experiences as I’ve done ever since I was born. I’ve had
some pretty good experiences; I’ve had some pretty sucky ones, too. I
think that last sentence could sum up most of the human existence.
Where was I going with all this? Oh, yeah. Life’s short. And I
think why Deb’s sudden death impacted me more than I thought it would
is not because of her age or the fact that I knew her or even the
suddenness of her death. People have been dying in their prime, knowing
others who have died, and died suddenly and unexpectedly since the
beginning of time or since the first time the “Hey, wouldn’t it be cool
if we…” thought popped up in the minds of men everywhere. So what is
it then? Why was I depressed yesterday, footed an hundred dollar
alcohol tab, stayed up til 4 am, and why am I still melancholy today?
The answer is: because I’ve been fucking around too much in my life.
I have not taken anything seriously pretty much since I graduated from
high school. I’ve neglected myself and my writing. I’ve been slowly
entrapped into a quagmire of sin and self-loathing every time I commit
a sin.
I haven’t grown up. I’ve done a good job of fooling myself into
thinking I have, but the truth is something else. That needs to change.
Wherever you are Debbie, I hope you’re having fun. We’ll miss you here. See you soon.
Wake…
[Aug. 20th, 2004 | 01:55 am]
So, I’m drunk.
That’s a good thing. I went to Deb’s wake tonight and it was tough, but easier than I thought. “How do you mean?” you ask.
Simple. It didn’t look like Deb. It looked like someone else’s body.
Had it looked exactly like her, I would have broken down right then and
there. At Bud’s (after a side trip to the Blue Iguana) I was talking to
Kevin and he said the same thing. It just didn’t look like her. I guess
that’s what made it much more palatable.
But… yet, I could tell there was damage to her. They can coat it
with as many make-up as they can, they still can’t hide the fact that
she wasn’t obviously intact after the accident. That fact saddened me
more than seeing her. I guess there really is something that goes
missing after someone’s soul leaves their body. It’s their vitality.
The essence that “fills” in the body. It stretches the skin, uses the
bones, wrinkes the skin with so many smiles and frowns. Death removes
that and no matter how good the reconstructionists are, they can never
fully replace that for the open casket wakes. That is what I
think makes death more palatable to us. We cry and mourn, but we
realize that this really isn’t the person we knew while they were
alive. It enables us to move on, knowing they’re in a much better place
than we are.
I hate going to wakes because I never know what to say. Even now, if
I were to redo it, what would I say to her family that everyone hasn’t
said already? “She’s in a better place now.” “I’m so sorry for your
loss.” “How you doing?” “Yeah, it sucks.” I find a hug says much more
than I ever could.
That, and beer. I had so much fun talking with Paige and Joe Meyer
tonight, hanging out with Jill, too. It’s been ages since I’ve been
able to talk with people like them and just BS about life. I really
hope we get to do this again soon.
And then there’s the funeral tomorrow. Agh…
It’s 2 AM, do you know where your feelings are?
[Aug. 21st, 2004 | 01:58 am]
So today was a mishmash of feelings. I cannot possibly go into all
the details now seeing as it’s close to 2 AM and I’m so dead tired
right now (it’s been a long-ass week). Maybe tomorrow. But what I do
want to cover tonight is the range of feelings that I experienced today.
– Sorrow. The funeral for Deb was today and it was
so surreal, almost dreamlike. There were a lot of imagery that I
experienced that would fit in a movie. More on that on tomorrow’s post.
I sat next to people who were experiencing deep sorrow and I sat there,
trapped in my head, trying to figure out what was the appropriate
emotion to feel. Becky, Deb’s sister, was hyperventilating through the
entire process, especially when it came time to finally say good-bye at
the burial. It was a horrible thing to see.
– Desire. I saw someone that I’ve become attracted
to. I can’t say who it is because 1) I don’t want to put myself on the
spot and 2) who knows if anything would ever happen. In my life, it
will most likely not happen. This feeling caught me by surprise and
confused me to no end, especially when I was still trying to reconcile
my feelings for what happened to Deb. Don’t you just hate it when
feelings struggle and fight for recognition? It’s almost like children
vying for attention.
– Guilt. Life goes on and yet at that moment when
you’re at a funeral, you feel guilty for dwelling on your life, even
for a microsecond. This wasn’t too bad of a feeling to struggle with
because I realized life does go on for everyone else, whether we like it or not.
– Happiness. I was glad to be part of the enduring
human race, hanging out with people I hadn’t seen in years, meeting new
people, hanging out with those I had never hung out with in the past. I
really had fun tonight, going to Chili’s and then to the new Colosseum
bar in Mokena. No matter what happens in life, good or bad, we all have
the wonderful ability to share, bond and laugh with others. It really
is a feeling none like another.
Life is good, we toasted today. Yes, it is.
Alright I’m drunk again…
[Aug. 22nd, 2004 | 01:59 am]
Alright so tonight’s update won’t be as enlightening as last night’s was, but there are still some things I want to share.
One: I’ve received some personal convinctions from my friends (is
convinctions even a word?) that I’ve been a pussy in my life. I am
going to change that shortly. How? you ask. I will detail it as soon as
I sober up. Yes, I’m drunk for the third night in a row. Has to be a
personal record.
Two. I’m still confused about life. Kids, I don’t still have the answers, but stay tuned when I do.
Three, I’m going to bed. Goodnight.
Writing is the new heroin
[Aug. 24th, 2004 | 11:04 am]
It’s been two days since I’ve last posted in this and over those
past two days, I’ve kept thinking I should post in my journal. This is
great news for me because I’m finally starting to feel some sort of a
craving for writing again. I used to have the urge to write every day when
I was a kid. I was like an addict; I didn’t care how I got my fix, I
just wanted to have it. The fix’d be either a journal entry or a short
story or sections of novellas that I always kept dreaming up. Then one
day, I stopped. Now, I’m starting to get back, nibbling on writing
every now and then, trying to get started back up again.
It seems to be working. My mind’s finally starting to become
preoccupied, among other things, about writing. It’s a great feeling to
have back. Maybe now I can begin to write That Great Big Screenplay
I’ve always been dreaming about, now that I have flashes of
mise-en-scenes and camera angles along with dialogue. I’m beginning to
pull the disparate elements that I’ve caught floating around my head
together and hopefully it’ll coalesce into this one big idea.
[Insert your own transitional sentence here.]
God, am I glad I’m
single. Seems every couple I know is going through a fight now. Is it
the unusually cold summer we’ve been having? Is there something about
this time of the year where school starts that throws something in the
atmosphere and makes couples bicker like crazy. And of course, guess
who they always go to if they have problems with their significant
other? That’s right, kids, the single ones. Why?
Because they were smart enough not to be involved in the first place.
So, I’ve been drinking for five straight days. Here’s what I’ve discovered: Parliaments, despite themselves, really are good cigarettes. It is
possible to drink heavily, smoke heavily, stay up all night,
and participate in the general merriment or drunkenly complain about
the world even when you have an infected tonsil. You simply just have
to not be aware of the fact that you have an infected tonsil. Today’s
moment of irony: Now that I’ve been prescribed antibiotics from the
medical community, I feel even worse. Although, I may have to concede,
it may not be the medication, but rather the cumulative effects of the
past five days. … Nope, it’s definitely the medication.
Alright. That’s it for me. I’m taking my amoxocillin and
going back to bed and ponder how we can be attracted to people despite knowing they’re not the right one for us.
Feel the rush… or not
[Aug. 25th, 2004 | 11:56 pm]
I’m not rather in the mood to be all introspective and insightful.
I’ve had enough of that to last me for a week. Right now, I can’t find
words to say anything. Well, what I mean is I have nothing to say right
now. I’m jonesing to go to bed early (well, as early as midnight can
be…) and read a book before I go to bed.
Right now I’m reading The Case for a Creator, by Lee
Strobel. The book is about how the various fields of science are
pointing towards Intelligent Design as an origin, rather than a
naturalistic (read: evolution) origin (well, duh!). It’s a
fascinating read, but I feel it glosses over the scientific reasoning
and discoveries by using summaries rather than actually going in-depth.
I guess that’s what the footnotes and references are supposed to be
used for, but I feel like I bought the book: I ought to learn something
from it without going outside of it. I am, but not as much as I’d
anticipated. I’d recommend it to those less scientifically-inclined.
Before I leave tonight, I want to say I just got done watching Blue Crush. Y’know, that movie with the gorgeous, athletic, cute Kate Bosworth.
…And I liked it.
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